Releasing Resentment Towards Ourselves
How hard it can be to forgive yourself and come to terms with your past? Why is it so hard? And is forgiveness always necessary? How do you come to terms with the fact that you may have hurt someone?
One of the hardest things is to accept your life and what has happened in the past and how you move forward from there. I find that most of my friends and myself have such hard time forgiving themselves for something while they would easily forgive a friend and easily let go if it was someone else, for some reason we are so hard on ourselves.
For so long I didn't even really understand when people were saying that the hardest thing you will have to learn is self-acceptance and forgiveness and I never really understood that, it takes time and getting older and some life experience to really start to understand what that really means. I used to be so confused about what people mean by 'forgiving yourself' but that obviously is because at that point I hadn't done anything that I needed to forgive myself for and probably haven't had experiences to the point where you are aware enough of maybe what has happened and maybe there is nothing at that point to really be digging into. Maybe there is on some level but the older you get the more self-actualized you are and you just realize the impact of your actions.
A lot of things that happen when you're younger, you internalize that and you may not realize what is happening at that time and you just kinda shove it inside of yourself and that over time builds up and also affects your relationships, how you navigate your life and you may not be completely aware of it on a surface level but it's definitely impacting your life on a much deeper level for sure.
It's really interesting how we can harbor things that happened to us over the course of our lives, no matter how old we are and that can really turn into angriness, bitterness, and resentment towards ourselves, sometimes other people and when you harbor that inside of you I feel like it's almost impossible for that to not affect your physical health and your mental health as well. That starts to manifest itself in different ways for other people but physically it will definitely take a toll and that's why I'm always saying 'your body knows'. Just have to tune in to what it's saying to you.
It's so crazy how on some levels it could even be mind over matter thing, your brain can just directly affect how your body feels like if you're feeling pain, what I try to do when I stub my toe (that's like the worst feeling ever) I instantly tell myself it will be over in 3 seconds and then thinking that almost helps the pain to go away. Because your brain tells you that your body is feeling pain, your body doesn't just feel it. So it's crazy to think that your brain can actually stop you from feeling pain, not always and not constantly because that's not how exactly it works but your emotions really do deeply impact your body, like when we stress we get tense in our shoulders or get headaches. It's really obvious how they go hand in hand and people normally don't associate that together.
Probably one of the hardest things that a person has to do in their lifetime is forgiving themselves looking back at their past selves with compassion and really trying to let go of the negativity, like the things that are holding you back from moving forward. I think that there are sad and devastating and horrible things that happen in a lifetime but we've read and heard stories of people who have experienced just the most horrific things and they are somehow able to keep moving forward and when people say 'it takes so much strength to do that', it really does. It may not be the kind of physical strength where you are picking up heavy weights but you are having to dig up everything that you know inside of yourself and really explore what's going on and sit with those feelings and revisit things that you don't want to revisit necessarily, try to get yourself to this place of acceptance and then once you're there it becomes very natural to fall into compassion and forgiveness.
Whether it's something that you actively did yourself or somebody did to you but either way, people tend to hold a lot of blame around themselves whether it's something they did or something that somebody did to them and that's what really affects people.
When stuff happens in our life we kinda write this story out of what we have experienced and we tell ourselves this narrative of our life and we stick to that moving forward. Then when we have to go back and maybe change that or maybe look at it from a different perspective we can be so hesitant to be like 'no this is really what happened but this is what I've said to protect myself and feel better'. Going back to it and to look at it can be scary and it's just a lot of admitting things to yourself that you instead probably picked something else to tell yourself in order to protect yourself in a way. We have this idea in our head of what our life we want to look like and when it's not that, we disappoint ourselves and we blame ourselves but the easiest thing to do is just to not look at it at all but that builds up over time. That's when you start to realize that at some point in your life you crack and you start to break apart because of ignoring the truth for so long of what you need to do for yourself. It is hard.
I feel like life is this constant shedding of a past self and actively making the choice to step into who you are today. Which is little bit different from who you were yesterday and that's really hard to do when you think your life is destined for a certain path and sometimes that works out for people and sometimes it looks different from what maybe you had envisioned and having to reconcile that is not easy, also recognizing that maybe who you once were is not who you are today.
You have to kinda know where to draw the line with what you actively have to take a responsibility for and what is not your responsibility. It's hard to look back on your life and be like 'I was such a shi**y person'.
One thing that was really difficult for me is just not being a great friend which was now as I learn about myself is very intertwined with many other things going on in my life but I wasn't able to really maintain close intimate relationships and I would also find myself in friendships, relationships with people who weren't good matches, so those two things kind of colliding at the same time.
Not proud of everything that I've done and I've definitely been a bad friend to people who definitely didn't deserve that and I've also been on the receiving end of bad friendships and something that I've had to do getting older is really try to reconcile and understand what was going on in my life and take responsibility where I have to for just being a shi**y friend if that was the case and then other times recognizing that I shouldn't be treated that way.