I May Never Be Enough, It's Okay

I may never be enough.

I can see the expectations of others. They're everywhere. People expect me to be something, do something, talk, act, and think something. For several years I decided to be that something, because it would make them proud. I could be enough.

I can see the hopes of others. They hope that I can help them, bring them what they've been searching for. They hope that I'm different, that I'm special, and that I will focus on them. For several years I decided to work for them, try for them, do what they needed. Because I wanted them to be happy. I could be enough.

I have my own goals, my own aspirations, my own desires. I want to be things, do things. I have an image in my mind, I can see what needs to be done. For several years I decided to chase it, to go for what I wanted, because it would make me who I wanted to be. I could be enough.

Now? Now I see that I may never be enough. The desires, expectations, and hopes of others are endless. I can pursue what I want, I can aim for something, but I may or may not get it. I might fall, I might fail, I might let others down. I'll be disappointed, upset.

But that's okay. Because in trying to be enough I set myself up for failure. Either I would be enough, in which case I won, I was finished. Or I wouldn't be enough, in which case I failed, it was over. Either way I was done pushing because the result had been concluded. The events, lessons, and goals were all in the past. I was placing my life into a binary system that was measured by whether or not I achieved a set expectation that was placed onto me, or that I had given myself. By how well I could compare to an idealised version of myself that would never exist, a version that was enough.

I've stopped trying to be enough, because I never will be. Now, I'm trying to be something I always can be. Better.

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