A Prescription for Loneliness

So many of us feel like we are alone in our loneliness when in reality they are so many people in the world who feel this every single day. It’s a reoccurring theme in a lot of peoples lives, everybody acts like they are not so then no one thinks that they’re lonely but then nobody knows to be nice to you or befriend you because you are acting like you are not lonely, so it’s kinda like a self fulfilling prophecy. There is definitely that level of shame that happens because nobody really knows how you feel when you go home and you open the door and that lonely feeling starts to sink in, I’ve definitely experience that and you can just fall deeper and deeper into it If you allow yourself to. It’s very isolating place to be.

Sometimes it’s really hard when you feel lonely and you question yourself ‘how to get out of this?’ and you think the only answer is, I have to have friends and I don’t have that so I’m never gonna not be lonely and you just give up, you don’t have someone to brainstorm with to be like, what do I do, you can’t talk to someone ‘cause there isn’t someone. You beat yourself up for it, well I’m in this situation because of myself and I suck, that’s why I’m lonely because no one wants to hang out with me and you kinda spiral around that and get sucked into that drain.

I tried to make this effort recently that was inspired by Maya Angelou quote where she says "Be a Rainbow in Someone Else's Cloud" it is just about, do something kind towards somebody, like smile at someone, say Hi to someone. It’s really cool to see how people respond, for example, I will be in an elevator and normally I will be on my phone or look around awkwardly and not say anything but just saying Hi! to another person or when they are about to walk out saying Have a nice day! and seeing their response it’s normally they smile and they are like, Omg someone asked me how I’m doing and told me to have a nice day and I don’t know this person. Seeing the way that they respond makes you feel affirmed in the action that you just put out in the world.

I just smiled them or I told them that their dog is really cute or gave them a compliment, it can really go along away and it’s so important especially in those person to person moments where you can physical, in real-time reaction from someone because via text message you don’t get that. That is something that we miss out a lot especially with technology and leads us to this idea that I was thinking about, how there are so many ways in which the internet and technology connect us but do you think there are ways in which technology can actually contribute to our feeling of loneliness?

Personally, it can really help to connect us to people that actually don’t live near us, like our family or friends that live  in other places. I think the more technology progress and the more we have this false, weird, real but not real connection with people through social media, it’s gonna ultimately make us feel way more lonely. If the technology didn’t exist there would be fewer opportunities to connect with people and meet new people but it would also force us to have more authentic interactions in person which I think it’s more meaningful generally than like an interaction online.
Those interactions I think are essential, if you would just think about animals or babies that don’t experience physical touch or love when they’re young and how much of an impact that has on a living being and that’s definitely the case as we become adults, when you don’t have that interaction, you may not become a feral animal but you start experiencing simmilair things that a feral animal would experience or a child who didn’t experience love and affection from a young age he starts feeling anxiety and the feeling of What do I do, I don’t know how to interact with people, I’m scared, those types of feelings. That’s why I think that kind of actual, physical contact is absolutely essential.

If you are not familiar with the attachment theory, in short, it’s this theory about the relationships that are cultivated at young age and how that affects you through your life and this book (Attached) takes attachment theory kind of to the next level and it examines it within your romantic relationships because before it was primarly focused on a child and their parent or guardian, whoever they were around when they were younger but as they were giving this brief history of the attachment theory and how it came to be before the 1950s it was actually suggested to parents that they minimize physical contact and affection with their children and that was because they believed it will create a perfect child who was able to be independent and make their own decisions because affection and what they would call cuddling would create a child that was too needy and it would be able to survive on it’s own in the world. Then they don’t know how to express their needs and their feelings because they  were brought up with this engrained feeling of shame and I think you can definitely see that in people from that generation for sure.

The other thing that I loved in the book is when they started talking about dependency, because I think that dependency has this negative connotation but in the book they say that if you actually have affective dependency in your life, with the people around you, it makes you more independent, daring person. Who will go out there and pursue the things that you want to pursue because you are getting fullfield in the ways that you need, which I thought THIS IS AMAZING.

There is this example in the book, a girlfriend needing a reinsurance from her boyfriend by holding her hand and he wasn’t giving that to her. Just something as simple as that, as reciprocating a small gesture can change the entire way that a person interacts in the world which is why it’s really important to understand how your partner and the people close to you receive affirmation. That is something that’s really helpful in terms of experiencing loneliness because we are so engrained with this idea of I have to be independent, I have to do this on my own.

Say to those who are close to you ‘It’s okay, lean on me. I’m here for you, you can depend on me’ it will make a big difference for them.

It’s okay to lean on other people and ask for help.


  1. I agree, it really helps to connect with those who are not close to us.

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  2. Great post David.

    I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that the smallest things can always make the biggest impact in people's lives.

    Most of the time, people get so caught up in today's world. We live a very fast-paced lifestyle these especially especially in 1st world countries. The smallest thing can mean the world to a person. We never know who needs it.

    I always make it a point to just put my good intentions out there. After all, the small things over time will pile up and make a big difference not only in the lives of others, but yours as well. It creates good karma.

    We're never alone especially if we open our arms and welcome other people into it.

    Thanks for sharing. Keep it up!

  3. Posts like these are so refreshing to read, it really feels like you've just poured your thoughts into a post and it comes across so friendly and personal. :) I'll definitely check out the attachment theory, too!
    lily kate x

  4. These are some awesome points. It's good to have some sort of awareness of others' feelings. Even the smallest interactions with people are important.

  5. That's what we're missing these days, you know? That sense of connection. Building relationships that will last through little actions that will allow you to interact more with the people around you. Little gestures that can go a long way, like you mentioned. This was such a beautiful read, thank you.

  6. I often feel lonely, because I'm unable to connect with people. I can make acquaintances with no problem, but I can't construct a long lasting relationship (friendship). So it's also just me nagging people into stupid conversations that make no sense or hold no value.

  7. I think that actually we are alone, at the end of the day. And we are the only one we'll be dealing with for the rest of our lives. That's why the only way to feel well in the world (and not to feel that sense of incredible loneliness) is being the best of us. Smiling and caring about other people is a good way to feel good with yourself. But we must be kind with our souls, first of all.

  8. I think that these days everybody is caring only for themselves and it's hard to make true friendships. A lot of people feel alone even if the yare surrounded by people.

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